"Bad men"

There's always the chance that I do all this on purpose. That I subconsciously surround myself with "bad men" so when they inevitably disappear, I won't have to ask myself any probing questions.

What if it's not my weight? It's always been my go to reason when anything goes wrong. But what of all those years of insecurities I carry around with me actually read as..... needyness and I don't even notice? What if it's my personality that's pushing guys away? What then?

I have this idea in my head that if one day I woke up and decided that I was no longer settling for scraps, I'd never get anything at all. And that,  to me, is utterly devastating. To be honest I'm too afraid to find out if it's true. All my adult life has been scraps. The guy who wants to keep it casual, the guy who doesn't take you seriously, the guy who 'really likes you but just doesn't have the time right now', the let's keep in touch but not meet up guy, the guy who seems wonderful until you have sex and then is suddenly not so wonderful. The guy who was secretly seeing other people and wants to see how that goes. The guy who you just plain weren't good enough for.

What if I'm drawn to these "bad men", who are only bad in any sense because we don't want the same things, because despite how sad they make me, they're just easier? I know that routine like the back of my hand. Great conversation, fantastic few dates, really good sex..... radio silence. As sad as it is, that's my comfort zone. That's where I live, that's what I  know. It's gotten to the stage now where if someone did want something more from me..... I wouldn't have a clue how to approach it!