Getting back on the horse

I always find it difficult to dip a toe back into the online dating world after something winds down. Even when you finish up something casual, there's still a level of rejection. So any foray into Tinder or its companions are very short lived and absent minded. I just lose interest for a while. 

Then I start romanticising what just finished and start to doubt myself. I feel less like a strong, empowered woman braving the dating world and more like... well.... a fool. I  essentially go on a massive downer for a few days and avoid all dating apps like the plague. And drink a lot of wine.

But not this time. This time I tried to get straight back on the horse. I was furiously swiping the next day. I even went as far as googling 'bbw dating ' and that was a whole level of weird I just wasn't prepared for. Don't Google that, and certainly don't sign up for anything. Shit gets real weird, real fast. 

I really think at this point I'm really not built for online dating. I'm not a serial dater, I've neither the memory or the attention span to successfully date more than one person at a time. I tried it, names got confused and I felt a bit...... yucky. (That's not a judgement on anyone who does, it's just not for me ). But maybe it's just dating that's not for me in general. As I've said I'm a very cynical person, more so than I even thought apparently, and am naturally a bit of a pessimist. I expect the worst of guys, and of situations as a way of avoiding disappointment. Maybe that's what needs to change? Can I really expect a guy to take me seriously when I doubt him from the get go?