An introduction of sorts

A few things to start - I'm a plus size girl. Not curvy, not voluptuous, I'm a big girl.
I'm generally a very socially awkward individual. I was born without the filter that most people use to differentiate between what's appropriate to say to a guy they've just met,  and a friend they've known for years.
I have very low self esteem. There are times I look in the mirror and think 'of fucking course you're single'.
I'm pretty lazy when it comes to meeting new people. I tend to have the attitude of 'if you were worth knowing I'd know you already' which is.... shit.
I have a sex drive that would rival most teenage boys  (sorry mother). But im also not a lover of the "hump em and dump em" way of life. I spend the vast majority of my life in a state of frustration.
Lastly, and probably most importantly, I fucking HATE dating. Like, hate with the passion of a thousand firey sun's.  A concoction of all of the above does not a good impression make.

I should say that I do try. I try to force myself out of my nice warm house on occasion for an evening of awkward conversation and inevitable disappointment. I've essentially been single for most of my adult life, and to be honest, going my some of my previous experiences, I'm starting to be really, really ok with that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete Debbie Downer. I've met guys along the way that have been nice, and have had a lot of fun. At times, I'm absolutely my own worst enemy. I may, occasionally.... very rarely.... sabotage what could potentially be a good thing to try and save myself the heart break further down the road (remember the low self esteem..... yeahhh. ....).

I've grown up hearing the phrase 'beautiful face, shame about the body' a lot. I know I'm not a terribly ugly person, I don't believe anyone is truly ugly. If I was to be judged on my face alone, I'd probably get pretty high marks. But we live in a society where a pretty face is not enough. My face gets me a lot of matches on Tinder, my body sends those matches running for the hills. That simple fact alone has really dampened my opinion of people. Why is not enough to be a nice person anymore? It's gotten to the stage where weeks of excellent conversation, and an apparent connection can be completely wiped out by not being the right body type.

I've always been of the opinion that attraction is something that grows and grows. I've never been a believer in love at first sight (maybe it does exist and I've just never experienced it, what do I know). All of my previous relationships have stemmed from friendships, and I've always been extremely attracted to anyone I had a relationship with as a person. I fancied their personalities. I fancied how they made me feel, and laugh, and converse. Human beings are fantastic, diverse, complicated and beautiful, and so much more than a clothing size. But it seems, at times, that all those wonderful qualities we all possess can be wiped out by a few extra lbs. That makes me sad.

I've always been honest with guys. I never hide the fact that I'm fat. I tell them straight up, always before we meet (at times I do question why I need to explain my body to a relative stranger, but there's a part of me that doesn't want to waste anyone's time). I was told once that my Tinder profile is false advertising, so it was a lesson harshly learned. My honesty is generally met with mixed responses. Some guys politely bow out. Some guys gradually lose interest. Some guys completely misinterpret and say 'I love a girl with curves'. Some guys demand pictures to determine just how fat I am. But perhaps the most devastating of all are the guys that pretend it's not an issue. The ones that don't even know why you felt the need to tell them. The ones that wine and dine you and make you think that you may have found something..... until the novelty of the fat girl wears off. Those guys.... they're the ones you need to watch out for.

So, after all that blabber, the entire point of this blog is simply to document my adventures. I've reached a point in my life where I really need to start putting myself out there, for good or for bad, and just let whatever happens...  happen. It will be good, it will be bad, it probably won't be particularly interesting. But as it happens,I will write it.