I came across this article whilst scrolling through Facebook today-
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/facebook-ban-size-26-model-8030503?ICID=FB_mirror_main
For those of you who are too lazy to read, it's about how Facebook removed and banned a campaign picture of Tess Holiday in lingerie. Tess is a plus size model (size 26) who has divided opinion since becoming one of the first plus size models to be signed to a major agency. Facebook apparently cited the following reasons-
It (she) violates health and safety standards
"The image depicts a body or body parts in a undesirable manner. Ads may not depict a state of health or body weight as being perfect or extremely undesirable."
The word 'undesirable' pops up an awful lot during the article.
So, I have a few pretty big issues with this. Firstly, who died and made Facebook the leading authority on desirability?!
Secondly, regardless of your own personal opinion of her size, the fact is that there are people out there who are a similar size to Tess Holiday. Why don't they get to see themselves represented I'm the media. Why do they have to see their own body types removed from Facebook for "violating health and fitness standards"? I can't say I follow Tess to closely, all I know is that she is undoubtedly stunning and has a 'fuck you' attitude when it comes to people slamming her purely because of her size.
I could scroll through my feed right now and screen grab pictures of celebrities in bikinis, articles about the latest and most likely unhealthiest fad diet, or super skinny models. That's what we are bombarded with day in and day out. But surely if you're going represent one end of the spectrum, you're going to have to represent the whole damn thing? You want to be inclusive, right Facebook? If pictures of a plus size woman in lingerie are "undesirable" then maybe you should consider all pictures of lingerie clad women undesirable instead of alienating a fairly large (no pun intended ) portion of your user base. Just a suggestion.
I was reading through some of the comments on the article, and they were indicative of the comment section under anything written about over weight people ever. A lot of people seemed terribly concerned about her health, when she has time and time again come out to say that she's in very good health. Fat doesn't always equal unhealthy, just as skinny doesn't always equal healthy. I don't ever recall Holiday saying she is or wants to be a good role model. She's just a woman doing her job. And to be honest, her attitude is whats healthy. She promotes body positivity regardless of shape or size and that should be applauded and encouraged instead of being stamped out by the largest social media network in the world.
Facebook 's action in this sends a very powerful message. They readily allow pictures of half naked women to pollute the site, as long as they are under a certain size. Facebook has essentially told all of its plus size users that we are "undesirable "
I'm not ok with that.
Monday 23 May 2016
Tuesday 26 April 2016
Getting back on the horse
I always find it difficult to dip a toe back into the online dating world after something winds down. Even when you finish up something casual, there's still a level of rejection. So any foray into Tinder or its companions are very short lived and absent minded. I just lose interest for a while.
Then I start romanticising what just finished and start to doubt myself. I feel less like a strong, empowered woman braving the dating world and more like... well.... a fool. I essentially go on a massive downer for a few days and avoid all dating apps like the plague. And drink a lot of wine.
But not this time. This time I tried to get straight back on the horse. I was furiously swiping the next day. I even went as far as googling 'bbw dating ' and that was a whole level of weird I just wasn't prepared for. Don't Google that, and certainly don't sign up for anything. Shit gets real weird, real fast.
I really think at this point I'm really not built for online dating. I'm not a serial dater, I've neither the memory or the attention span to successfully date more than one person at a time. I tried it, names got confused and I felt a bit...... yucky. (That's not a judgement on anyone who does, it's just not for me ). But maybe it's just dating that's not for me in general. As I've said I'm a very cynical person, more so than I even thought apparently, and am naturally a bit of a pessimist. I expect the worst of guys, and of situations as a way of avoiding disappointment. Maybe that's what needs to change? Can I really expect a guy to take me seriously when I doubt him from the get go?
Sunday 24 April 2016
When enough is enough
I got chatting to a guy on Tinder a couple of months ago. Really nice guy, lots to chat about. We had a few great dates, some good sex and then...... that was pretty much it. We've kept in touch, tried to make dates but but they never happened. The flakiness was always on his end. I have a busy schedule with work but I'm a big believer that if you want to see someone you make the time. You just do.
So the question is, when is enough enough? When is the right time to draw a line under something and stop wasting each others time? When do you stop listening to excuses and accept that he's just not that into it?
Situations like this always make me second guess myself. Am I being to demanding? Expecting too much? Or am I just being strung along like a fool?
Some guys are clever about it though. They know what to say to keep you dangling, what to say to make you feel like you're asking for too much. This guy is like that, we haven't seen each other in over a month but he'll still text me pretty much every day. There's always the promise of him being in the city by the weekend, but inevitably something will happen. Then he'll somehow manage to talk me out of having a problem with it. It's fucking brain bending ninja voodoo Vulcan mind games. But I generally don't have the balls to just walk away. I'll put up with it, and put up with it,until he's the one who walks away.
How do you convince yourself that you're worth more when you don't really believe that you are? How can you expect someone else to believe that you're worth more when you don't yourself?
It's something I walked away from tonight, but I know it's only a matter of time before I'm in that situation again. It has gotten to the point where I just don't see myself as an attractive person, or sexy, or worthy of effort. And maybe that's something I need to stop blaming men for and start blaming myself.
So the question is, when is enough enough? When is the right time to draw a line under something and stop wasting each others time? When do you stop listening to excuses and accept that he's just not that into it?
Situations like this always make me second guess myself. Am I being to demanding? Expecting too much? Or am I just being strung along like a fool?
Some guys are clever about it though. They know what to say to keep you dangling, what to say to make you feel like you're asking for too much. This guy is like that, we haven't seen each other in over a month but he'll still text me pretty much every day. There's always the promise of him being in the city by the weekend, but inevitably something will happen. Then he'll somehow manage to talk me out of having a problem with it. It's fucking brain bending ninja voodoo Vulcan mind games. But I generally don't have the balls to just walk away. I'll put up with it, and put up with it,until he's the one who walks away.
How do you convince yourself that you're worth more when you don't really believe that you are? How can you expect someone else to believe that you're worth more when you don't yourself?
It's something I walked away from tonight, but I know it's only a matter of time before I'm in that situation again. It has gotten to the point where I just don't see myself as an attractive person, or sexy, or worthy of effort. And maybe that's something I need to stop blaming men for and start blaming myself.
Wednesday 20 April 2016
The thing about being fat...
So, the thing about being fat is that it sort of becomes your identity. It's who you are, you're the fat chick. And as much as you try to run away from it by being the girl with the pink hair, or the girl with the tattoos, that's how people will recognise you. 'You know katrina..... the big girl'. And as such, it becomes very deeply ingrained in you. You feel like the fat chick, you expect to be treated like the fat chick and it really lowers the bar for what you deem acceptable treatment.
The place I've found this to have the most disastrous effect is in my dating life. Not only do I feel the need to justify myself to men before we even meet, I also use it as an excuse for THEIR shitty behaviour. I've run back to guys who have treated me like crap out of the sheer fear of not having anyone at all. I have a 'no body else will want me mentality'. I've let guys away with really awful things because, frankly, I feel like I deserve it. Because I feel like because of my size, I deserve no better. Which is, of course, bullshit.
But it is an endless cycle. 'He didn't seem to have a good time- I obviously wasn't what he was expecting ' 'he hasn't text me in a few days, I'm obviously too fat for him'.
The thing about being fat is that no matter how many times you try to make yourself feel beautiful, or someone tells you that you ARE beautiful, you can never actually feel it. When you live in a culture where being fat is one of the worst things you can be, the simplist compliment is almost impossible to take. When you spend hours dolling yourself up and everyone tells you that you look amazing, it's still there in the back of your head. That niggling little voice that constantly reminds you that you look good, BUT.....
I hate getting compliments. They make me feel incredibly awkward because I can never accept them at face value. My mind has warped to look for the insult in every single compliment. If a guy ever expresses any genuine interest, my mind almost can't process it. Like..... why? Is this a joke? Am I the punch line? And it's that attitude that has probably scared off more guys than my jiggly bits ever have. When your mind works a certain way even the most innocent of things can take on a very malevolent meaning. I'll give you an example-
Many moons ago, I was in bed with a guy I was "seeing" (very casually, in fact, casually isn't casual enough a word). We had just been up to no good and were doing usual uninterested post coital pillow talk when I asked 'if I was a Pokemon, which one would I be?' BIG. FUCKING. MISTAKE. Considering that he'd not 5 minutes previous been inside me, I thought it'd be something like Vulpix because I'm cute and can be quite firey. I thought wrong. Very wrong. Because apparently the Pokemon I most closely resemble is..... Snorlax. Yep. Big, fat, lazy, always blocking the road Snorlax.
Now I KNOW that's funny, and I can laugh at it now. In no way do i think there was ever any malice behind it, but at the time when I was lying beside him naked that really, really hurt me. An alarming amount. And it's stuck with me to an extent. It really bothered me that that was the way he saw me. And when it inevitably didn't work out I already knew why.
So, the thing about being fat is that it makes you incredibly sensitive to..... everything.
The place I've found this to have the most disastrous effect is in my dating life. Not only do I feel the need to justify myself to men before we even meet, I also use it as an excuse for THEIR shitty behaviour. I've run back to guys who have treated me like crap out of the sheer fear of not having anyone at all. I have a 'no body else will want me mentality'. I've let guys away with really awful things because, frankly, I feel like I deserve it. Because I feel like because of my size, I deserve no better. Which is, of course, bullshit.
But it is an endless cycle. 'He didn't seem to have a good time- I obviously wasn't what he was expecting ' 'he hasn't text me in a few days, I'm obviously too fat for him'.
The thing about being fat is that no matter how many times you try to make yourself feel beautiful, or someone tells you that you ARE beautiful, you can never actually feel it. When you live in a culture where being fat is one of the worst things you can be, the simplist compliment is almost impossible to take. When you spend hours dolling yourself up and everyone tells you that you look amazing, it's still there in the back of your head. That niggling little voice that constantly reminds you that you look good, BUT.....
I hate getting compliments. They make me feel incredibly awkward because I can never accept them at face value. My mind has warped to look for the insult in every single compliment. If a guy ever expresses any genuine interest, my mind almost can't process it. Like..... why? Is this a joke? Am I the punch line? And it's that attitude that has probably scared off more guys than my jiggly bits ever have. When your mind works a certain way even the most innocent of things can take on a very malevolent meaning. I'll give you an example-
Many moons ago, I was in bed with a guy I was "seeing" (very casually, in fact, casually isn't casual enough a word). We had just been up to no good and were doing usual uninterested post coital pillow talk when I asked 'if I was a Pokemon, which one would I be?' BIG. FUCKING. MISTAKE. Considering that he'd not 5 minutes previous been inside me, I thought it'd be something like Vulpix because I'm cute and can be quite firey. I thought wrong. Very wrong. Because apparently the Pokemon I most closely resemble is..... Snorlax. Yep. Big, fat, lazy, always blocking the road Snorlax.
Now I KNOW that's funny, and I can laugh at it now. In no way do i think there was ever any malice behind it, but at the time when I was lying beside him naked that really, really hurt me. An alarming amount. And it's stuck with me to an extent. It really bothered me that that was the way he saw me. And when it inevitably didn't work out I already knew why.
So, the thing about being fat is that it makes you incredibly sensitive to..... everything.
Friday 8 April 2016
The good, the bad and the ugly
Like most people, my experience in the dating world has been.... varied. I've had some wonderful relationships, truly happy ones with truly lovely people. I've also had some terrible ones, with terrible people. And unfortunately, those are the ones that tend to stick with us. I'll admit I'm guilty of tarring all guys with the same brush (I'm a cynic, remember) so I tend to expect the same treatment from all guys. My boss is always banging on about the laws of attraction, so maybe I'm stuck in a loop of a self fullfilling prophecy. I expect bad things to happen, therefore they do. Shit.
I often look back at how different things where back when my parents met. They lived around the corner from each other their entire lives. Then they lived together. It was a very different world back then. There was no Tinder, no plenty of fish. Chances were that you'd marry someone who lived within 10 minutes of you. It's hard at times not to put that up on a pedalstool and yearn for days gone by.
But then I think of all the opportunities the modern world has afforded me, and suddenly it doesn't seem so bad. Modern life and modern technology have completely reshaped how we date. They've made sex incredibly easy to find, but love much harder. Even our phones present us with a buffet of options, we can all afford to be that much more choosey. And while that might suit those who want to play the field and have no intention of settling down, what about those who don't?
The impression I get from a lot of single friends, and Ive asked around, is that relationships are almost a thing of the past. People are perfectly happy playing the field for the majority of their 20's before inevitably bowing to societal pressure. There's a part of that makes me really..... sad. I'm not for one second suggesting that everyone should settle down with the first person who professes their love, but in my opinion playing the field is crap! And I've seen people throw away something of actual substance to see if the grass is greener on the other side. And 9 times out of 10 it's just not. It's almost..... unusual to want to settle down in your 20's.
Perhaps I have lofty notions of love. And the worst thing you can have as an Irish person is notions. But I've seen the way my parents look at each other and I want that. I unashamedly want that, I'd struggle to see why anyone wouldn't! It's beautiful, it's safe, it's secure, it's fucking sickeningly happy..... of course I want it!!
I often look back at how different things where back when my parents met. They lived around the corner from each other their entire lives. Then they lived together. It was a very different world back then. There was no Tinder, no plenty of fish. Chances were that you'd marry someone who lived within 10 minutes of you. It's hard at times not to put that up on a pedalstool and yearn for days gone by.
But then I think of all the opportunities the modern world has afforded me, and suddenly it doesn't seem so bad. Modern life and modern technology have completely reshaped how we date. They've made sex incredibly easy to find, but love much harder. Even our phones present us with a buffet of options, we can all afford to be that much more choosey. And while that might suit those who want to play the field and have no intention of settling down, what about those who don't?
The impression I get from a lot of single friends, and Ive asked around, is that relationships are almost a thing of the past. People are perfectly happy playing the field for the majority of their 20's before inevitably bowing to societal pressure. There's a part of that makes me really..... sad. I'm not for one second suggesting that everyone should settle down with the first person who professes their love, but in my opinion playing the field is crap! And I've seen people throw away something of actual substance to see if the grass is greener on the other side. And 9 times out of 10 it's just not. It's almost..... unusual to want to settle down in your 20's.
Perhaps I have lofty notions of love. And the worst thing you can have as an Irish person is notions. But I've seen the way my parents look at each other and I want that. I unashamedly want that, I'd struggle to see why anyone wouldn't! It's beautiful, it's safe, it's secure, it's fucking sickeningly happy..... of course I want it!!
Thursday 7 April 2016
Texters
Over the years I've identified several different types of texters. Below are what I deem the absolute WORST and the ones who aren't so bad-
The drip feeder
The drip feeder is generally someone you've been on a few dates with, maybe slept with. Before, texts would have been flying back and forth, hours of texty fun. But then, the messages start to trickle out, instead of hours of conversation you'll get a 'hey, what's up'. You'll reply, then get another similarly inane text an hour. I HATE IT!!!! I can only assume that by their logic they're keeping their options open. Or testing my limits to see how little effort they'll actually have to put in to keep me on the line. You wanna know the worst thing about drop feeders is? I ALWAYS FUCKING TEXT BACK.
The vanisher
The vanisher is someone you've dated who just suddenly disappears into thin air. No explanation no reasoning, just kaput. I like to think that every vanisher I've ever encountered was abducted by aliens and is currently living out eternity having their arses probed by something spikey.
The sudden reappearer
This is occasionally stage two of the vanisher. After you've sullenly resigned yourself to another failed exploit, they'll pop back up at 2 or 3 in the morning with an inexplicably chirpy message. Pop back down. Go away. NO!!
The polite one
Love these guys. They'll just send a text a say or so later saying 'was lovely to meet you, but I just didn't feel a connection' Absolutely fine my friend, and you're a gem for letting me know. Keep being a good guy!
The serial sexter
These guys are pretty easy to spot. It generally doesn't even get to a date stage because he has tried to drag every single down a dark alley and have sex with it. He tries to turn everything into something sexual. He'll probably send you an unsolicited dick pic at 2 in the afternoon. While you're in work. Sketchy.
The one who asks for your number but never texts you
What??
So that's my list, anything I've missed?
Tuesday 5 April 2016
"Bad men"
There's always the chance that I do all this on purpose. That I subconsciously surround myself with "bad men" so when they inevitably disappear, I won't have to ask myself any probing questions.
What if it's not my weight? It's always been my go to reason when anything goes wrong. But what of all those years of insecurities I carry around with me actually read as..... needyness and I don't even notice? What if it's my personality that's pushing guys away? What then?
I have this idea in my head that if one day I woke up and decided that I was no longer settling for scraps, I'd never get anything at all. And that, to me, is utterly devastating. To be honest I'm too afraid to find out if it's true. All my adult life has been scraps. The guy who wants to keep it casual, the guy who doesn't take you seriously, the guy who 'really likes you but just doesn't have the time right now', the let's keep in touch but not meet up guy, the guy who seems wonderful until you have sex and then is suddenly not so wonderful. The guy who was secretly seeing other people and wants to see how that goes. The guy who you just plain weren't good enough for.
What if I'm drawn to these "bad men", who are only bad in any sense because we don't want the same things, because despite how sad they make me, they're just easier? I know that routine like the back of my hand. Great conversation, fantastic few dates, really good sex..... radio silence. As sad as it is, that's my comfort zone. That's where I live, that's what I know. It's gotten to the stage now where if someone did want something more from me..... I wouldn't have a clue how to approach it!
Saturday 2 April 2016
If I had a Dollar...
If I had a Dollar for every time I'd fallen in love with a stranger I'd be a very wealthy woman.
If I had a Dollar for every time I'd imagined a future with someone, I'd never have to work again.
If I had a Dollar for every time a guy told me I was amazing, I'd have my own house.
If I had a Dollar for every time I felt I wasn't worthy of the guy I was seeing, I'd be dressing in designer labels.
If I had a Dollar for every time I never heard from a guy after a first date, I'd go shopping every day of my life.
If I had a Dollar for every drink I'd had to erase every guy who'd ever lied to me, I'd be living on an exotic island.
If I had a Dollar for every time I knew in my heart of hearts that the only reason I can't find love is because I'm fat. ....
My fat body
My fat body does wonderful things.
My fat body has been with me for 26 years. It has withstood years of abuse and still works like a trooper. It's been with me through laughter and tears, through occasions both tragic and joyus.
My fat body has celebrated with friends and comforted them. My fat ears have listened to many stories, and my shoulders have absorbed many tears.
My fat body has had lovers and haters. It's learned how to respond to both.
My fat body has a successful career in an industry it loves. It helps me run a household and maintain friendships with wonderful people. My fat body gets me up out of bed every morning and gets me through the day.
My fat body does its damn best every single day. It's flown across oceans to start a new life in a new country. It's travelled and explored. It's seen magnificent things and tasted magnificent foods.
My fat body has never let me down.
My fat body is MY fat body. If that's not good enough for you, then you're not good enough for me.
The 'I'd never ghost you' ghoster
Ghosting is a modern phenomenon that I feel should be heavily punishable. Nothing gives you an insight into a person's true personality quicker than their inability to just be fucking honest.
I hate ghosting. I think it's a cruel thing to do to someone. It's a way to sneakily get what you want from someone knowing very well that you plan to disappear into the night without so much as a courtesy text. When it comes to dating I value honesty above all else. Let me know where I stand and I'll be happy. Do not leave me hanging on a line, perhaps dangling the occasional carrot. Do not sit I'm front of me and earnestly tell me 'I'd never ghost you' only to start the ghostly almost immediately after the hook up. I will never respect that.
But it's a trap we all fall into from time to time. Of course we do! We like to see the good in people, in life! If we were to be so cynical of every person we met we'd all be very miserable indeed. What gets me the most is the assumption that I won't just accept honesty. After a few dates, perhaps a night together, I'm not expecting grand gestures. But I do expect a bit of decency. I don't like to be filled full of lies and false hope. Be honest. Let me make my own decisions based on how we both actually feel.
I recently found myself a ghoster. An apparently nice guy, very handsome, very charming. So of course the little voices in my head were telling me that I was punching above my weight. But he seemed very genuinely interested in everything I have to offer. He made me feel sexy. He made me feel attractive. We got on very well, I thought we had chemistry. We had several dates, and spent the night together. A wonderful night by any standards. And where is he now? Who the fuck knows?
I hate ghosters because they make me question my own judgement. How did I not see it coming? Did I see it coming and subconsciously choose to ignore it because bad attention is better than no attention at all? I hate having to question myself! I hate ghosters because they are liars, they're sly, they're cowardly. I hate the fact that I'm so fucking bothered by every single one of them!
I hate ghosting. I think it's a cruel thing to do to someone. It's a way to sneakily get what you want from someone knowing very well that you plan to disappear into the night without so much as a courtesy text. When it comes to dating I value honesty above all else. Let me know where I stand and I'll be happy. Do not leave me hanging on a line, perhaps dangling the occasional carrot. Do not sit I'm front of me and earnestly tell me 'I'd never ghost you' only to start the ghostly almost immediately after the hook up. I will never respect that.
But it's a trap we all fall into from time to time. Of course we do! We like to see the good in people, in life! If we were to be so cynical of every person we met we'd all be very miserable indeed. What gets me the most is the assumption that I won't just accept honesty. After a few dates, perhaps a night together, I'm not expecting grand gestures. But I do expect a bit of decency. I don't like to be filled full of lies and false hope. Be honest. Let me make my own decisions based on how we both actually feel.
I recently found myself a ghoster. An apparently nice guy, very handsome, very charming. So of course the little voices in my head were telling me that I was punching above my weight. But he seemed very genuinely interested in everything I have to offer. He made me feel sexy. He made me feel attractive. We got on very well, I thought we had chemistry. We had several dates, and spent the night together. A wonderful night by any standards. And where is he now? Who the fuck knows?
I hate ghosters because they make me question my own judgement. How did I not see it coming? Did I see it coming and subconsciously choose to ignore it because bad attention is better than no attention at all? I hate having to question myself! I hate ghosters because they are liars, they're sly, they're cowardly. I hate the fact that I'm so fucking bothered by every single one of them!
Friday 1 April 2016
Half 2, you'll do.
Growing up, I had a very small group of friends. Quality Vs quantity. They may have been few, but they were mighty. And I wouldn't have had it any other way. And as we grew up it was rare that we would all find ourselves single at the same time. When that did occur, there was a universal call of 'GIRLS ON TOUR' when each night out would be dedicated to finding someone at the end of the night, be it for a drunken kiss in the smoking area, or an awkward story in the morning.
There were hours and hours of pruning and preening, countless bottles of wine consumed in someone's bedroom listening to Beyonce, several conversations about who's dress was too revealing or not revealing enough, and far too many private monologues of 'why the fuck am I bothering with this?" Nights out like that are different when you dress on double figures. Truth be known, every one of those boisterous mini parties in a friends bedroom was another nail in the coffin. Another reinforcement of how all my skinnier friends will no doubt be successful in their mission tonight, and I'd be left waiting.
Waiting until a Dj shouted 'last orders at the bar' and people's true desperation came out. Until all those guys who wouldn't have soberly given you the time of day are suddenly incredibly interested now that the pool has become extremely limited. Waiting until someone feels drunk enough to consider you a viable option.
I know that sounds harsh, and I hope that it's not true for everyone. But it is true for me. I've seen that look in a guys eyes. That smarmy 'you should be glad I'm talking to you ' look. That assumption that you're a sure thing, and that you should be grateful for the consideration. I would rather go home alone for the rest of my life than go home for one night with someone who thinks they're doing me a favour. You're not doing me any favours. I don't aspire to be an embarrassing story for anyone to tell their friends.... 'this one time I banged a fat chick'
I have news for you, you drunken asshole I never wanted to have sex with any way- I'm the best sex you'll never have. And not because I'm grateful, not because I feel like I need to prove anything to you. Because I fucking love sex and have learned what I loved over the years. Because you may think that my body is only good enough when you have no other options, but my body is always good enough for me. Because I have learned the ways my body works in a way that a lot of ways that other women haven't.... because I've fucking had to. Because of guys like you, I'm a fountain of sexual knowledge. Because of guys that feel like they can fuck a fat girl and she will cum out of sheer want, I have learned my orgasm is worth so much more. I am not a half 2 you'll do. I am many things, but I am not that.
There were hours and hours of pruning and preening, countless bottles of wine consumed in someone's bedroom listening to Beyonce, several conversations about who's dress was too revealing or not revealing enough, and far too many private monologues of 'why the fuck am I bothering with this?" Nights out like that are different when you dress on double figures. Truth be known, every one of those boisterous mini parties in a friends bedroom was another nail in the coffin. Another reinforcement of how all my skinnier friends will no doubt be successful in their mission tonight, and I'd be left waiting.
Waiting until a Dj shouted 'last orders at the bar' and people's true desperation came out. Until all those guys who wouldn't have soberly given you the time of day are suddenly incredibly interested now that the pool has become extremely limited. Waiting until someone feels drunk enough to consider you a viable option.
I know that sounds harsh, and I hope that it's not true for everyone. But it is true for me. I've seen that look in a guys eyes. That smarmy 'you should be glad I'm talking to you ' look. That assumption that you're a sure thing, and that you should be grateful for the consideration. I would rather go home alone for the rest of my life than go home for one night with someone who thinks they're doing me a favour. You're not doing me any favours. I don't aspire to be an embarrassing story for anyone to tell their friends.... 'this one time I banged a fat chick'
I have news for you, you drunken asshole I never wanted to have sex with any way- I'm the best sex you'll never have. And not because I'm grateful, not because I feel like I need to prove anything to you. Because I fucking love sex and have learned what I loved over the years. Because you may think that my body is only good enough when you have no other options, but my body is always good enough for me. Because I have learned the ways my body works in a way that a lot of ways that other women haven't.... because I've fucking had to. Because of guys like you, I'm a fountain of sexual knowledge. Because of guys that feel like they can fuck a fat girl and she will cum out of sheer want, I have learned my orgasm is worth so much more. I am not a half 2 you'll do. I am many things, but I am not that.
An introduction of sorts
A few things to start - I'm a plus size girl. Not curvy, not voluptuous, I'm a big girl.
I'm generally a very socially awkward individual. I was born without the filter that most people use to differentiate between what's appropriate to say to a guy they've just met, and a friend they've known for years.
I have very low self esteem. There are times I look in the mirror and think 'of fucking course you're single'.
I'm pretty lazy when it comes to meeting new people. I tend to have the attitude of 'if you were worth knowing I'd know you already' which is.... shit.
I have a sex drive that would rival most teenage boys (sorry mother). But im also not a lover of the "hump em and dump em" way of life. I spend the vast majority of my life in a state of frustration.
Lastly, and probably most importantly, I fucking HATE dating. Like, hate with the passion of a thousand firey sun's. A concoction of all of the above does not a good impression make.
I should say that I do try. I try to force myself out of my nice warm house on occasion for an evening of awkward conversation and inevitable disappointment. I've essentially been single for most of my adult life, and to be honest, going my some of my previous experiences, I'm starting to be really, really ok with that.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete Debbie Downer. I've met guys along the way that have been nice, and have had a lot of fun. At times, I'm absolutely my own worst enemy. I may, occasionally.... very rarely.... sabotage what could potentially be a good thing to try and save myself the heart break further down the road (remember the low self esteem..... yeahhh. ....).
I've grown up hearing the phrase 'beautiful face, shame about the body' a lot. I know I'm not a terribly ugly person, I don't believe anyone is truly ugly. If I was to be judged on my face alone, I'd probably get pretty high marks. But we live in a society where a pretty face is not enough. My face gets me a lot of matches on Tinder, my body sends those matches running for the hills. That simple fact alone has really dampened my opinion of people. Why is not enough to be a nice person anymore? It's gotten to the stage where weeks of excellent conversation, and an apparent connection can be completely wiped out by not being the right body type.
I've always been of the opinion that attraction is something that grows and grows. I've never been a believer in love at first sight (maybe it does exist and I've just never experienced it, what do I know). All of my previous relationships have stemmed from friendships, and I've always been extremely attracted to anyone I had a relationship with as a person. I fancied their personalities. I fancied how they made me feel, and laugh, and converse. Human beings are fantastic, diverse, complicated and beautiful, and so much more than a clothing size. But it seems, at times, that all those wonderful qualities we all possess can be wiped out by a few extra lbs. That makes me sad.
I've always been honest with guys. I never hide the fact that I'm fat. I tell them straight up, always before we meet (at times I do question why I need to explain my body to a relative stranger, but there's a part of me that doesn't want to waste anyone's time). I was told once that my Tinder profile is false advertising, so it was a lesson harshly learned. My honesty is generally met with mixed responses. Some guys politely bow out. Some guys gradually lose interest. Some guys completely misinterpret and say 'I love a girl with curves'. Some guys demand pictures to determine just how fat I am. But perhaps the most devastating of all are the guys that pretend it's not an issue. The ones that don't even know why you felt the need to tell them. The ones that wine and dine you and make you think that you may have found something..... until the novelty of the fat girl wears off. Those guys.... they're the ones you need to watch out for.
So, after all that blabber, the entire point of this blog is simply to document my adventures. I've reached a point in my life where I really need to start putting myself out there, for good or for bad, and just let whatever happens... happen. It will be good, it will be bad, it probably won't be particularly interesting. But as it happens,I will write it.
I'm generally a very socially awkward individual. I was born without the filter that most people use to differentiate between what's appropriate to say to a guy they've just met, and a friend they've known for years.
I have very low self esteem. There are times I look in the mirror and think 'of fucking course you're single'.
I'm pretty lazy when it comes to meeting new people. I tend to have the attitude of 'if you were worth knowing I'd know you already' which is.... shit.
I have a sex drive that would rival most teenage boys (sorry mother). But im also not a lover of the "hump em and dump em" way of life. I spend the vast majority of my life in a state of frustration.
Lastly, and probably most importantly, I fucking HATE dating. Like, hate with the passion of a thousand firey sun's. A concoction of all of the above does not a good impression make.
I should say that I do try. I try to force myself out of my nice warm house on occasion for an evening of awkward conversation and inevitable disappointment. I've essentially been single for most of my adult life, and to be honest, going my some of my previous experiences, I'm starting to be really, really ok with that.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete Debbie Downer. I've met guys along the way that have been nice, and have had a lot of fun. At times, I'm absolutely my own worst enemy. I may, occasionally.... very rarely.... sabotage what could potentially be a good thing to try and save myself the heart break further down the road (remember the low self esteem..... yeahhh. ....).
I've grown up hearing the phrase 'beautiful face, shame about the body' a lot. I know I'm not a terribly ugly person, I don't believe anyone is truly ugly. If I was to be judged on my face alone, I'd probably get pretty high marks. But we live in a society where a pretty face is not enough. My face gets me a lot of matches on Tinder, my body sends those matches running for the hills. That simple fact alone has really dampened my opinion of people. Why is not enough to be a nice person anymore? It's gotten to the stage where weeks of excellent conversation, and an apparent connection can be completely wiped out by not being the right body type.
I've always been of the opinion that attraction is something that grows and grows. I've never been a believer in love at first sight (maybe it does exist and I've just never experienced it, what do I know). All of my previous relationships have stemmed from friendships, and I've always been extremely attracted to anyone I had a relationship with as a person. I fancied their personalities. I fancied how they made me feel, and laugh, and converse. Human beings are fantastic, diverse, complicated and beautiful, and so much more than a clothing size. But it seems, at times, that all those wonderful qualities we all possess can be wiped out by a few extra lbs. That makes me sad.
I've always been honest with guys. I never hide the fact that I'm fat. I tell them straight up, always before we meet (at times I do question why I need to explain my body to a relative stranger, but there's a part of me that doesn't want to waste anyone's time). I was told once that my Tinder profile is false advertising, so it was a lesson harshly learned. My honesty is generally met with mixed responses. Some guys politely bow out. Some guys gradually lose interest. Some guys completely misinterpret and say 'I love a girl with curves'. Some guys demand pictures to determine just how fat I am. But perhaps the most devastating of all are the guys that pretend it's not an issue. The ones that don't even know why you felt the need to tell them. The ones that wine and dine you and make you think that you may have found something..... until the novelty of the fat girl wears off. Those guys.... they're the ones you need to watch out for.
So, after all that blabber, the entire point of this blog is simply to document my adventures. I've reached a point in my life where I really need to start putting myself out there, for good or for bad, and just let whatever happens... happen. It will be good, it will be bad, it probably won't be particularly interesting. But as it happens,I will write it.
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