If I had a Dollar...

If I had a Dollar for every time I'd fallen in love with a stranger I'd be a very wealthy woman.

If I had a Dollar for every time I'd imagined a future with someone, I'd never have to work again.

If I had a Dollar for every time a guy told me I was amazing, I'd have my own house.

If I had a Dollar for every time I felt I wasn't worthy of the guy I was seeing, I'd be dressing in designer labels.
If I had a Dollar for every time I never heard from a guy after a first date, I'd go shopping every day of my life.

If I had a Dollar for every drink I'd had to erase every guy who'd ever lied to me, I'd be living on an exotic island.

If I had a Dollar for every time I knew in my heart of hearts that the only reason I can't find love is because I'm fat. ....

My fat body

My fat body does wonderful things.

My fat body has been with me for 26 years. It has withstood years of abuse and still works like a trooper. It's been with me through laughter and tears, through occasions both tragic and joyus.

My fat body has celebrated with friends and comforted them. My fat ears have listened to many stories, and my shoulders have absorbed many tears.

My fat body has had lovers and haters. It's learned how to respond to both.

My fat body has a successful career in an industry it loves. It helps me run a household and maintain friendships with wonderful people. My fat body gets me up out of bed every morning and gets me through the day.

My fat body does its damn best every single day. It's flown across oceans to start a new life in a new country. It's travelled and explored. It's seen magnificent things and tasted magnificent foods.

My fat body has never let me down.

My fat body is MY fat body. If that's not good enough for you, then you're not good enough for me.

The 'I'd never ghost you' ghoster

Ghosting is a modern phenomenon that I feel should be heavily punishable. Nothing gives you an insight into a person's true personality quicker than their inability to just be fucking honest.

I hate ghosting. I think it's a cruel thing to do to someone. It's a way to sneakily get what you want from someone knowing very well that you plan to disappear into the night without so much as a courtesy text. When it comes to dating I value honesty above all else. Let me know where I stand and I'll be happy. Do not leave me hanging on a line, perhaps dangling the occasional carrot. Do not sit I'm front of me and earnestly tell me 'I'd never ghost you' only to start the ghostly almost immediately after the hook up. I will never respect that.

But it's a trap we all fall into from time to time. Of course we do! We like to see the good in people, in life! If we were to be so cynical of every person we met we'd all be very miserable indeed. What gets me the most is the assumption that I won't just accept honesty. After a few dates, perhaps a night together, I'm not expecting grand gestures. But I do expect a bit of decency. I don't like to be filled full of lies and false hope. Be honest. Let me make my own decisions based on how we both actually feel.

I recently found myself a ghoster. An apparently nice guy, very handsome, very charming. So of course the little voices in my head were telling me that I was punching above my weight. But he seemed very genuinely interested in everything I have to offer. He made me feel sexy. He made me feel attractive. We got on very well, I thought we had chemistry. We had several dates, and spent the night together. A wonderful night by any standards. And where is he now? Who the fuck knows?

I hate ghosters because they make me question my own judgement. How did I not see it coming?  Did I see it coming and subconsciously choose to ignore it because bad attention is better than no attention at all? I hate having to question myself! I hate ghosters because they are liars, they're sly, they're cowardly. I hate the fact that I'm so fucking bothered by every single one of them!

Half 2, you'll do.

Growing up, I had a very small group of friends. Quality Vs quantity. They may have been few, but they were mighty. And I wouldn't have had it any other way. And as we grew up it was rare that we would all find ourselves single at the same time. When that did occur, there was a universal call of 'GIRLS ON TOUR' when each night out would be dedicated to finding someone at the end of the night, be it for a drunken kiss in the smoking area, or an awkward story in the morning.

There were hours and hours of pruning and preening, countless bottles of wine consumed in someone's bedroom listening to Beyonce, several conversations about who's dress was too revealing or not revealing enough, and far too many private monologues of 'why the fuck am I bothering with this?" Nights out like that are different when you dress on double figures. Truth be known, every one of those boisterous mini parties in a friends bedroom was another nail in the coffin. Another reinforcement of how all my skinnier friends will no doubt be successful in their mission tonight, and I'd be left waiting.

Waiting until a Dj shouted 'last orders at the bar' and people's true desperation came out. Until all those guys who wouldn't have soberly given you the time of day are suddenly incredibly interested now that the pool has become extremely limited. Waiting until someone feels drunk enough to consider you a viable option.

I know that sounds harsh, and I hope that it's not true for everyone. But it is true for me. I've seen that look in a guys eyes. That smarmy 'you should be glad I'm talking to you ' look. That assumption that you're a sure thing, and that you should be grateful for the consideration. I would rather go home alone for the rest of my life than go home for one night with someone who thinks they're doing me a favour. You're not doing me any favours. I don't aspire to be an embarrassing story for anyone to tell their friends.... 'this one time I banged a fat chick'

I have news for you, you drunken asshole I never wanted to have sex with any way- I'm the best sex you'll never have. And not because I'm grateful, not because I feel like I need to prove anything to you. Because I fucking love sex and have learned what I loved over the years. Because you may think that my body is only good enough when you have no other options, but my body is always good enough for me. Because I have learned the ways my body works in a way that a lot of ways that other women haven't.... because I've fucking had to. Because of guys like you, I'm a fountain of sexual knowledge. Because of guys that feel like they can fuck a fat girl and she will cum out of sheer want, I have learned  my orgasm is worth so much more. I am not a half 2 you'll do. I am many things, but I am not that.

An introduction of sorts

A few things to start - I'm a plus size girl. Not curvy, not voluptuous, I'm a big girl.
I'm generally a very socially awkward individual. I was born without the filter that most people use to differentiate between what's appropriate to say to a guy they've just met,  and a friend they've known for years.
I have very low self esteem. There are times I look in the mirror and think 'of fucking course you're single'.
I'm pretty lazy when it comes to meeting new people. I tend to have the attitude of 'if you were worth knowing I'd know you already' which is.... shit.
I have a sex drive that would rival most teenage boys  (sorry mother). But im also not a lover of the "hump em and dump em" way of life. I spend the vast majority of my life in a state of frustration.
Lastly, and probably most importantly, I fucking HATE dating. Like, hate with the passion of a thousand firey sun's.  A concoction of all of the above does not a good impression make.

I should say that I do try. I try to force myself out of my nice warm house on occasion for an evening of awkward conversation and inevitable disappointment. I've essentially been single for most of my adult life, and to be honest, going my some of my previous experiences, I'm starting to be really, really ok with that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete Debbie Downer. I've met guys along the way that have been nice, and have had a lot of fun. At times, I'm absolutely my own worst enemy. I may, occasionally.... very rarely.... sabotage what could potentially be a good thing to try and save myself the heart break further down the road (remember the low self esteem..... yeahhh. ....).

I've grown up hearing the phrase 'beautiful face, shame about the body' a lot. I know I'm not a terribly ugly person, I don't believe anyone is truly ugly. If I was to be judged on my face alone, I'd probably get pretty high marks. But we live in a society where a pretty face is not enough. My face gets me a lot of matches on Tinder, my body sends those matches running for the hills. That simple fact alone has really dampened my opinion of people. Why is not enough to be a nice person anymore? It's gotten to the stage where weeks of excellent conversation, and an apparent connection can be completely wiped out by not being the right body type.

I've always been of the opinion that attraction is something that grows and grows. I've never been a believer in love at first sight (maybe it does exist and I've just never experienced it, what do I know). All of my previous relationships have stemmed from friendships, and I've always been extremely attracted to anyone I had a relationship with as a person. I fancied their personalities. I fancied how they made me feel, and laugh, and converse. Human beings are fantastic, diverse, complicated and beautiful, and so much more than a clothing size. But it seems, at times, that all those wonderful qualities we all possess can be wiped out by a few extra lbs. That makes me sad.

I've always been honest with guys. I never hide the fact that I'm fat. I tell them straight up, always before we meet (at times I do question why I need to explain my body to a relative stranger, but there's a part of me that doesn't want to waste anyone's time). I was told once that my Tinder profile is false advertising, so it was a lesson harshly learned. My honesty is generally met with mixed responses. Some guys politely bow out. Some guys gradually lose interest. Some guys completely misinterpret and say 'I love a girl with curves'. Some guys demand pictures to determine just how fat I am. But perhaps the most devastating of all are the guys that pretend it's not an issue. The ones that don't even know why you felt the need to tell them. The ones that wine and dine you and make you think that you may have found something..... until the novelty of the fat girl wears off. Those guys.... they're the ones you need to watch out for.

So, after all that blabber, the entire point of this blog is simply to document my adventures. I've reached a point in my life where I really need to start putting myself out there, for good or for bad, and just let whatever happens...  happen. It will be good, it will be bad, it probably won't be particularly interesting. But as it happens,I will write it.